I'm still in control! Yeah!!

Just a quickie - but thought I would check in. It has been a couple of days since 'that horrible night' and I have stuck to my guns and not had even the sneakiest lapse since. I genuinely wanted to stay strong, but was aware that I'd done the whole "that's it!" thing each time, determined to get back to the programme.... so anyway - I am doing it this time... I know it has only been two days, but - frankly - my lapses had become quite regular before Christmas, and I have had opportunities to eat - so I'm feeling much more in control of the whole situation.

I just re-read my last post as well... the bit about sticking my fingers down my throat was a bit hardcore - sorry about that... it wasn't for any 'removing the food' reasons (I am absolutely not condoning it as a way out or an easy option), I was just in the midst of such agony I didn't know what else to do to bring the trapped air 'up'... it was scary, and didn't work anyway... just wanted to clear that up... I've never done it before, and won't do it again. I've learnt my lesson - stodgey fast food is the enemy!!

Night all - Anna x

Owwwwww... *inc food talk and nastiness*

Ok - I am officially done on the lapses. For the second time this week I ate 'junk' food and spent most of the night in raging agony, covered in sweat, unable to move, get comfortable etc, with trapped air on my chest, thinking I was going to die - or at least pass out. I cannot put into words how unpleasant it has been. The first time was following a sausage and chips from the chippie... I woke up in excruciating pain on Monday morning and ended up thinking I was going to end up in an ambulance... eventually got through the worst of it after the best part of an hour.... which is a LONG time with no let up, I can tell you... Once I could look at the episode objectively, I put it down to 'poisoning' by the sausage... and that was that. Very unpleasant, but in the past.

Christmas has since been an gone, and as you have read in my previous post, I didn't abstain, but I was a little more careful about what I did eat. On Boxing Day I woke up thinking that was that, I'd lapsed but I was getting back on the proverbial horse. I had a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and then set off with my mum to drive back from my sister's house a couple of hours away. When we got back I dropped mum off and then the little devil took hold again. I was hungry by this point... it had been about five hours since my last shake and I SHOULD have just gone straight home and made another... but instead I found myself driving into town "just to see" what was open so I could get something to eat. Unfortunately the answer lay in the golden arches of Macdonalds. I ordered a large fries, bacon and cheese festive burger thing, six nuggets with BBQ sauce and a 'festive pie'... all were gone within fifteen minutes of walking through the door, despite the fact I was starting to feel full/sick after a couple of bites of the burger. At that point I remember consciously deciding to continue in the hope that it gave me an upset tummy, which would end up 'ridding' me of my festive indiscretions.

I didn't feel too bad last night; as usual, within an hour of eating I had pretty much forgotten I had lapsed at all, and was back on the whole "I'm done now, I'm starting abstinance again as of right now"... which I have said to myself many MANY times in the last few weeks.

I went to bed quite late - about 2am, and by 3am I was being woken up by the now familiar gripping on my chest and goosebumps. I took the mixing bowl that now conveniently lives in my bedroom and sat on the loo willing the feelings to pass. They didn't. I got increasingly crippled by the pain, unable to sit still, stretch, turn, bend without searing pain in my chest, stomach and back. I can't begin to describe in detail how I felt - but it wasn't nice and it took me to the early hours of today to begin to feel human enough to get some sleep. I have discovered that the worst of the pain is caused by air on my chest that won't shift... and I have to concentrate on 'not' thinking about it, in order to let the tight anxiety subside (whilst in horrendous agony) and so I can have a good burp. This took over an hour last night... at one point I was on my knees, head spinning, trying to stay conscious, fingers down my throat trying to bring up whatever was causing the pain, and hopefully - in the process - the trapped air that had me in a vice like grip.

SORRY ABOUT THE GRAPHIC ACCOUNT ABOVE but I really really need to remember how bad I felt, in all it's technicolour glory so that I don't kid myself into doing something so stupid again.

The message I am telling myself over this whole chapter is:

• DO NOT eat greasy junk food, fried potatoes and cheap, mass produced meat in any disguise, no matter now 'reputable' the company.
• Get back onto Lighter Life, do it properly. Get to Route to Management and stick to it religiously.
• Stop putting yourself in situations where you may be tempted to eat.
• Always ensure you have something to eat (LL bar etc) if you are leaving the house for any length of time.
• Don't have cash at home - stops temptation of ordering food for delivery.
• Don't keep lapses secret - you won't learn anything if you keep kidding yourself.

Ok - once again, sorry for the tone of this post... not the most uplifting, but it has marked a turning point. I have been on packs all day today and have had ABSOLUTELY no temptation to eat... only excitement about getting back on track and to where I was back in Foundation when I was in control, bursting with confidence and not sat up most of the night thinking the world was ending!!

For anyone else on Lighter Life, or contemplating it... study this post and let me go through the hell on your behalf - this really is something you DON'T want to experience!!!!

Byee! A x

So here it is - Merry Christmas!

Well - that was a giggle... not! All my good intentions went completely down the pan... I managed to avoid breakfasts on both days and have a shake - but the Christmas Day yesterday was just too tempting for words. I didn't totally scoff out - I had the lunch but no carrots, parsnips etc... just greens... and a few chocs (hmmm... ok, they weren't a good idea whichever way you look at it!!)...

Today I did better, had a shake for brekkie and lunch, but I've just eaten all sorts of crap for an early dinner before getting home. Arghhh!!

So - I am putting it all down to bad experience, and getting back on the horse tomorrow - and properly this time (deja vous, arghhh!)... I can do this... it was nice to eat, but it wasn't "AMAAAZING" and I've only got two months to do, if that... so it's a piece of cake - hehe. Or not.

Byeeeee x

Stuff to think about...

This is just a quickie so I don't forget... but through all the musings of the last 24 hours, a couple of things have occured to me...
1) Maybe I am testing people by lapsing? Trying to show them that I am not as great as they all think I am... will they still like me if i'm not 'perfect'?! Etc. Hmmm...
2) Maybe I'm sabotaging myself so that I don't actually have to come out of abstinance... I have had the flutterings of panic attacks since I've been eating again, and I am so so terrified of them coming back with food.

There we go - just wanted to put these things down. I'm off to get myself ready for my visit to my sister's....

Merry Christmas! x

Back to basics...

Sorry about the previous entry... it was a bit of a lengthy one, but I didn't want to lose the posts on the minimins forum into the 'ether'...

It is the day before Christmas Eve... a very hard time of year regardless of my diet/lapse issues, because it was this time twelve months ago that I was traipsing to and fro from Warwick Hospital to visit my dad, who died on Boxing Day 2007. Just seeing people milling about doing last minute shopping, the smell of the cold, the sparkling christmas lights are enough to bring a lump to my throat, and the sight of my dad, lying paralysed in the stroke ward shoots straight back into my mind without warning. So, needless to say -despite the fact I am doing my best not to dwell, I am not at my cheeriest.

THEN on top of all that I have this hanging nausea from all the eating and naughty behaviour I have been adopting for the last couple of weeks. I am off to see my sister tomorrow for the Christmas celebrations. I really want to see her, and I know we'll have a nice time, but a big part of me is in 'hide away' mode. All I want to do is just be left alone. I don't want to eat, but am scared that I will... and I know that putting myself into this family christmas environment isn't going to help matters. Nevermind.

So - all in all - as you can see from the posts below, I have been in a bit of a slump... but each day I feel stronger and I am determined, that in the long run I WILL be the winner in this battle. It is just a bit of a steep learning curve in the rules of combat... once I master it, I will be victorious!! Haha.

Aside from all this- you may have noticed my reference to the OH (Other Half)... well, yes - I officially have a boyfriend... and an absolutely lovely one at that :) I am over the moon... let's just hope he doesn't read this!

We've been together for about a month now, maybe a bit less... and all is going brilliantly. I won't go into too much detail because that's not what this is all about, but needless to say he makes me very happy and is another reason why I don't want all this crooked thinking to take over. He may stick by me, but frankly - if I were dating me at the moment, I'd probably be getting weak willed by the constant self-flagalation (is that a word?) and wouldn't want the grief...

Righty-0 then... this hasn't turned out to be a soul bearer... more of a muse... but I just feel a bit empty at the moment. I am off to get the house straight and get my stuff in order for going to my sister's tomorrow...

Until next time - which won't be with such a delay... I have learned that I need to keep on top of my thinking and my experiences, and what better way to document them from here...

It really does feel like I've just begun Lighter Life... it has pretty much been plain sailing to this point... NOW I understand what the struggles feel like - and my goodness, it's not easy to take a good long look in the mirror and realise that actually YOU have to do some work to make a change... there are no hiding places and it's terrifying.

Merry christmas one and all (oh joy! Gulp!) - sayonara! x

What goes up must come down...

The subject of this blog kind of sums up how I feel... I've been so elated and so happy throughout this journey... aside from the odd craving, it has been as though a magic wand has been waved and I was getting slimmer by the day! Then.. BOOM. Now I understand why they call LL a rollercoaster...

I have been pretty active on the minimins.com forum talking about my various issues - and in the interest of keeping this blog up to date with my various bits and pieces (I won't neglect it so much in the future... promise!) I am now going to post a few of my key 'forum posts' below so I have a record of things to look back on in the future, should I have 'bad' times again. We'll travel through in chronological order so you can see the direction I was headed... some of it may not make sense because I may have also been responding to others in the wording... but this is just the gist, then I will write a proper 'entry' later... so here we go... my nightmare incarnate...:

16th DECEMBER 2008

Arghhh. It was going to happen eventually (well, I was hoping it wouldn't to be honest, but I'm trying not to beat myself up and just leap back on the horse)... I lapsed.

It wasn't anything major, but it was enough for me to have regrets... my OH left a dish from the chinese in my fridge and there were a few different pieces of protein in it, and i found myself wiping them free of the other bits, and munching on about 3 little pieces... my friend was round, and totally flabbergasted - I would never have done this home alone.... no idea what happened - it was literally like needing a 'fix', I couldn't stop myself.

Then we started baking. Oh good lord. Making about 50 fairy cakes for my Bond party tonight, and I was testing the mixture (literally pinhead amounts on my fingertip) and when they were cooked had about a third of a cake.... again, my friend couldn't get over it.

I hope to god my indiscretions haven't b*ggered my chances for losing this week... I gulped down loads of water after, and my pack - I was literally a woman possessed, and it was terrifying.

I hate the fact I enjoyed it so much and am so so scared about being around food again now. I am going to get my foundation book out tomorrow (I have no spare minutes today with party etc) and read through again - get my goals back into mind.

Until a second before I was such a hardcore I WILL NOT LAPSE person - and in the next breath, I had. Arghhhhh. Not a conscious decision at all - and def not adult... rebellious to the extreme Arse.

Right.

Sorry - just needed to tell 'people' - otherwise I wouldn't feel bad enough and I need some pepping.

A x


18th DECEMBER 2008

Ok, so possibly the shortest and most dramatic interlude - but I'm back!

I felt so so terrible last night - properly lost the plot and couldn't see through the mist of the tears and f**d to see that any good could have come from my indiscretions.... but here I am, feeling on top of the world - DETERMINED to see this through to goal, and all thanks to you lot and your support. I felt quite good when I woke up - well, actually, I felt rubbish (convinced I looked HUGE again, my tummy felt bigger, I felt wobbly etc, and I just wanted to die... but this in turn made me feel quite good about the fact I have the power to change that)...

Then I put on some cheesy pop and padded through to the kitchen to make my brekkie shake and - and I'm not usually a gushy emotional sort (who am I kidding) but a song came on by Beyonce called Listen (if you watched Dreamgirls/the X Factor final you'll know it) and I just burst into tears...

Now - you should definitely listen to the track - it is a stunning song whether you are 'into that sort of thing' or not... and, if you have lapsed and come through it, it may strike a chord. For me it was the things I was saying to my alter-foodie-ego... the part of me that has controlled my life for so long and I was putting my foot down. It was so empowering!!!

THEN I log on here, and frankly - I feel I could climb Everest right now.. the support from you all has been out of this world and I really really needed it. This forum is most certainly a part of my journey, and I now know it is as crucial for the bad times as well as the good - and I feel I've made some good friends on here. I hope we all get a chance to meet up one day. Slendablenda, Blonde Logic, Andy, Sweety, Catz, LS, Porgeous, Vintella, Mandy, FYM, Guy... from the bottom of my heart and all that mushy stuff... thank you

Emzski, Pete, Tange - thank you for the PMs - was going to write back individually, but everything I want to say is here in this thread, but a huge glittery genuine THANK YOU!! for caring enough.

Ok - this is turning into some sort of horrible tooth-jarringly-sweet Oscar acceptance speech, so I'll bugger off...

But do me a favour and listen to that track I mentioned - it's called Listen by Beyonce.

Anna xx


TUESDAY 23rd DECEMBER

Post #1:

Right then, by the looks of it I am not the only one that has gone a bit awol in the last few days, but I thought I would/should explain why, as unfortunately it was nothing to do with 'being sooo busy in the lead up to christmas' etc....

I had another crap week.

In fact, I can safely say I have just had the worst week of all. I ate pretty much every day - sometimes to the point of not having any foodpacks. I started obsessing about my body and took the challenge not to eat (apart from the odd nibble) and not have packs, so I would feel empty again. I knew that this behaviour was erratic and that is was doing nothing for me because:
a) I wasn't getting my nutrients and was therefore putting my body/health into a bad state... and
b) I was still eating tiny bits of the wrong food so although I was not technically 'bingeing' most of the time, I still wouldn't have been in ketosis and it was all worthless... but I carried on anyway.

Since lapsing I have felt HUGE. In fact, I have been more repulsed by my body than ever - even pre-LL... and I have found myself getting really really low and preoccupied thinking about how fat I am, how I am a hopeless case, have learned nothing etc etc. All I wanted to do was eat - there and then - and I would grab food from the nearest source... supermarket, take away, shop etc because I felt like there was no point carrying on - I'd already sabotaged myself. Not very clever really.

It is really tough to get down the right words about how I have been feeling - it's been one crooked thought after another and the first time I have really noticed how powerful and dangerous my mind is and how it has the control over me.

At one point all I wanted was to get the food out of me... I considered purging, then laxatives, then sat back and took stock (luckily!) and realised that I was going to end up in a really unhealthy spiral and I had to stop and not let it get that bad.

My poor OH has had to deal with me talking about stuff too... I try not to, but I can't help it - all of a sudden I am paranoid about my fat rolls on my belly, the way my skin folds in my waist when I bend over etc... the kinds of things I would never have worried about before...

He said he didn't want to hear about it - he would support me, but I was being irrational and I had to stop thinking the way I was and get myself back on track. He gave me a book by Marya Romsbach (??) that is a memoir about her life with various eating disorders - about her dealing with her addiction to starvation. Really shocked me that he gave it to me.

ANYWAY - I am not that bad yet - I just saw something in myself that really shocked me and so I went to see my counsellor today and told her everything about lapsing, avoiding foodpacks, feeling disgusting and fat, obsessing over tiny things etc etc and she really set my mind at rest. I'm now focused on the next seven days and determined to get back on track. I really want to make it to goal, and do route to management and learn things properly... this whole episode has really confirmed that I really have no clue how to treat food, how to react to it - and to identify hunger and emotion/crooked thinking.

A very enlightening period really.... doesn't help that it is the TOTM and I'm all over the shop

Luckily - extremely luckily - she weighed me and i've STS, so that's something... VERY glad I didn't lose again after the lapses or I'd be able to talk myself into doing it again...

Sorry for going on again- just wanted to explain... this is one hell of an up and down journey - I've had my worst downs and here's hoping I am due an 'up' now

Anna xx

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Post #2:

Thank you all... I will get there - it's just a bit hard at the moment... I feel sick constantly - in fact, today I woke up with crippling stomach pain and trapped air on my chest (hard to explain, but was grim) and spent an hour on the loo, thinking I was going to pass out, throw up, have upset, collapse from the pain etc, goosebumps and sweat etc... it was the worst I can ever remember feeling. Didn't go to work, and eventually found a position in bed where I wasn't in agony and fell asleep... have just woken up - tummy pain has pretty much gone but I still feel a bit nauseous...

The worst part of all is I think I know the culprit... I lapsed again last night. ARGHH. I was so good all day, had no intention of lapsing - then went to see a friend last night. He has had a lifetime of issues with food and was a good level headed person to knock some sense into me about the lapses. All was fine and then we got onto the topic of trigger smells. I told him that toast was one of mine - the girls at work make toast every morning, and although I never really was a 'toast' person, the smell is just incredible... and he said for him it was a certain fast food/take away smell that did that, despite the fact he didn't like it to 'eat', the smell always tried to trick him into wanting it.

Shortly after I was saying my goodbyes and, realising I had no money on me (a tactic to stop me buying on a whim), I asked him if I could borrow £3... he asked why and I said I needed some cigarettes and only had a few quid in the car. The lie came SO easily... and that was that... I got in the car, drove straight there, ordered, drove home and pretty much inhaled the food before I could think about it. It was the first time I have eaten out and out 'crap'... my other lapses have been 'reasonably' balanced... but this was pure grease and my god, I knew about it this morning.

I am so tempted not to go to my sister's tomorrow for christmas... all the shops will be shut, and I will have no temptation - I'll be able to sit quietly, watch xmas tele and give myself the time to get back on the straight and narrow and into ketosis... I've never had a problem when I'm there.... all my lapses have been so close together - I've never had a chance to get back in...

I am sure that a few of you are going to start thinking bad of me, and I can't blame you. Someone falling off the wagon and being offered support and advice is one thing... doing it twice is irritating, but a cycle some go through - but repeatedly is just plain rude, and I cannot expect you all to continue supporting me when I am stood here, metaphorically like a little girl with her fingers in her ears shouting 'la-la-la-la-la!'... I mean, even the best willed of us would give in.

And I think this is the crux of it... I am testing everyone else, but in the process only really causing myself hurt and upset. This is something my counsellor suggested, and only as I write this am I sure that she hit upon something.

My OH knew me when I was bigger and nothing ever happened despite the odd 'date' and kiss... now I am slimmer, we're together... maybe I am 'testing' him, to see if he really likes me or the new slimmer figure....

With you lot - maybe I am trying to push you all to tell me the things I am telling myself - that I'm useless and I've failed... and when you don't, I just do it again.

With myself, maybe I am scared of becoming someone unknown... I can't recall being slimmer than I am now... and I am consciously self-sabotaging myself at this '12 stone exactly' level.

I need to get myself back on track - not only for my weightloss, and for the sake of making this programme worthwhile, and not just another flash in the pan attempt... but also for my mental issues... I have touched upon 'health stuff' that I have lived with over previous years... namely a condition called Panic Disorder... a heightened sense of Anxiety. It has been so bad that I would go to work, my mum's house and home - the three places I felt safe... and no where else. I would spin out of control and have raging upset stomachs if I so much as thought about going somewhere vaguely new or different... even driving scared me... I was ok, but the idea of a traffic jam or even a red light terrified me... what if I needed the loo? What if I couldn't get to a toilet? I have always suffered with IBS (part of the attraction to the RTM side of LL), and the stress of my anxiety would trigger this in a severe way leading me to live a paralysed existence for about six years. Not fun.

SO - I have found that eating has brought a lot of these fears and feelings back. Having food in my tummy means that now, technically, I 'could' have an upset tummy at any time, and without meaning to I am avoiding doing things that aren't at a 'safe' location with loos, people I know really well etc.... my OH suggested go karting with some of his friends that I've never met last week and I wanted to throw up. I don't want to end up back in this spiral... I've been fine, great in fact, all the way through LL to this point.

This has turned into another rambling post... I really should make better use of my blog and stop boring the pants off you lot...

I just want to feel in control again - I have the power, but I'm justr letting it slip through my fingers and it's driving me mad. I am waiting for my frustrations to kick my ass into gear... once again, moving the responsibility onto something/someone else.

I am glad I am identifying things... I have more of an understanding of myself - the problem is that when things happen I go numb... auto pilot... fixated.

I am sure many of you won't be around over Christmas (on here), but if any of you are, i'm hoping to be too... depending on whether my sis has internet/wireless set up at her house.

A frazzled Anna xx

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Post #3:

Hey Blonde - I think you have touched upon something there... there is the fear of 'not' failing...

Also, for as long as I can remember I have had excuses...

I got pregnant young... lost it... gained weight (it wasn't my fault, i'd "been through alot")

I had cancer issues... panicked... had treatment... gained weight (it wasn't my fault, i'd "been through alot")

Lost 3 stone through the Atkins Diet - people were proud of me, I fell off the wagon at 11.5 stone and binged on pastries... put on a 4.5 stone over the following years...

Step-dad diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease... gained weight... there was more important things to worry about (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

Step-dad died, holding my hand... gained weight... I was grieving, I didn't care (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

Did Low GI Diet... managed to lose 1.5 stone, but I kept pushing the boundaries until I fell off...

Met ex-boyfriend... gained weight - he would feed me constantly... he liked me 'bigger', I felt desired, and that was all I craved (it wasn't my fault, "Tom keeps feeding me")

Dad died, suddenly over xmas 07... gained weight... I was grieving, I didn't care (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

SUMMER 2008 - WOKE UP... I wasn't affecting anyone but ME. Making excuses and shifting blame was helping no one.

Started Lighter Life... get three quarters of the way through - everyone being so nice to me... and I start to give in...

Come on you lot... I know there must be something in my behaviour over the past 8 years... what is the link... what cycle must I break... it all seems too huge at the moment... an elephant in the room.

Anna x

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Ok - that brings us up to date... I'll get onto a proper 'blog entry' now...