I had lapsed again (ARGHHH!) and felt really ashamed... added to the fact my lapse had given me a really upset tummy, and I started getting anxious about leaving the house again (good lord, my lapse was SO not worth it).
Anyway - I've just rung my counsellor and come clean about my lapses and she's given me a good kick in the right direction, so I am feeling better.
Yesterday I wrote myself a letter telling myself how disappointed I was in myself (kind of the good me writing to the bad me), and that I should either 'get on with it', or get off the programme. When put like that there really is no contest. I'm not there yet - not physically happy with myself - and it is most certainly not the time to jump ship. I was considering asking about starting to introduce food early, but I don't want to not hit my goal... and for that reason as well as many others... I am going to continue with this diet.
I am drinking loads of water in it's various guises (tea, flavourings, straight, coffee, shakes) and haven't had any food cravings for the first time in days (literally, my lapses had become daily) and this time - although I know I have said it over and over - I really feel I am back on the wagon.
So - that's that... will get weighed again on Sunday, and report back with any loss that I've been lucky enough to get... although I'm really not holding out any hope - my clothes are feeling marginally tighter, so I may be looking at a pound or two gain.
Anyway - so that was before, and today is a whole new day... again (sorry I seem like a yo yo, I'll get back to the job at hand now!)
I am feeling so so happy today. It isn't really diet related, admittedly.
I was sat at my desk early, chugging down the water, the remnants of my vanilla and coffee shake in my mug beside me... trawling through emails and such like - and I heard a cry from reception. "Delivery for Anna Holdsworth?"
I leapt to my feet and set off to intercept the package (I've been shopping online, so wasn't sure what it was) and stood in reception was the lady from the local flower shop, holding a huge bouquet of flowers.
Honestly, these flowers are stunning - a combination of red roses, gerberas, black lilies (amazing!) and green bits and bobs... I nearly burst into tears! I had no idea why they'd have been sent to me... so before I could say anything I tore open the card and there, from my lovely lovely boyfriend was a card that simply said "No reason. x R"... at this point I went into gushing girlfriend mode and the florist made her escape.
I have never felt so overjoyed. It's not about the 'material' aspect of this, but purely the fact that he thought about me and chose to do something to make me feel special - particularly on a day when I was all about my new beginning (he had no idea of my recent pledge to start afresh). The last time I had a delivery at work of flowers it was from an ex-boyfriend who had sent them to me to apologise for dumping me the day before. The card read something like "I didn't mean to hurt you. Sorry."... kind of bitter sweet really...! These were MUCH better. INFINITELY so.
So - that's why I'm in a great mood... feeling I can conquer anything, and even more determined to get back on track and show him that he has chosen to be with a strong, controlled woman - and not a blubbering mess that keeps messing up and regretting everything. He is so so supportive - had offered to cook me some yummy meals when I get into Route to Management (he's a chef). I've shown him the lists of ingredients I'm allowed each week of the re-introduction, and he's really excited to be a part of the end of my journey. Bless him!
I hate to sound so girly... it really is quite unlike me. I think the diet has contributed to this 'new me' a little bit... losing weight, wearing nicer clothes, having more confidence in myself etc etc, have all helped me to feel a little less like a heffalump. I don't plod around anymore - I 'sashay', hahaha. My boyfriend is very tall, and manly (broad chest, hairy etc etc) which I LOVE! It makes me feel even MORE girly, lying in bed with him, feeling all safe and protected... and that's before the fact we get on like a house on fire; it really couldn't be more perfect.
Anyway, I'll change the subject now... I feel like someone in a bad Mills and Boon novel at the moment!
Aside from all that, I am in a good mood because I have been looking at some scary underwear photos I took at the weekend... I did them so I could compare myself at the start of the diet (first week of September) and now... and it's brilliant! Has given me a real boost. I can't believe I was ever as big as I was, it's very odd. This is the pic (gulp, sorry about the nasty pants in the befores!!):
Crikey! Scary stuff huh? Anyway - I am now really excited to see what I look like at the end of Lighter Life... I'm not there yet but I'm winning the battle and it can only get better from here on in!
Ok - I'll leave it there...
Over and out x x
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