Anna's Lighter Life Journey!

With the power of my blog I will beat this!

2009-09-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

Still here, and struggling. I'm now in my fifth week back on LL. I did a week or so back in July - successfully - was in the zone and weight started coming off... then I went on holiday to Crete so decided to come off (first holiday in chuffing years and really didn't want to not eat, although I was careful)... started back on it on the 16th August, but since then I have been a nightmare.

I am not sure what is going on with me. I cheat every single bloody day. I can't seem to stop myself. It's not always big cheats - sometimes it's just a salad box from the Morrisons salad bar... other times it's a take away or some chocolate. Not exactly healthy!

Today I made the conscious decision not to cheat - to get through the day and take it one hour at a time. But, guess what? I just did. Grrrrrr.

Not a 'huge' cheat - I ate a fairy cake, but still. I was hungry because I was due a shake, but rather than making one, I just grabbed. It's like an auto response. Frustrating.

I haven't been spending time on minimins or here this time around - and I know writing things down the first time helped - so let's see.

Aiming to get through the rest of today, so wish me luck!

A x

Back again!

2009-07-16T10:15:00.001-07:00

Well, there has been a bit of a gap in my posts - but I'm back on Lighter Life! I have managed to maintain my weight quite well through exercise and things, but have always had the nagging feeling that I didn't get to my goal.. so here I am.
I did end up putting on some weight - going from 11.6 to 12.4... but haven't got any 'bigger' and have been doing lots of weights and things around five times a week for about nine months - so I think some of it is muscle. I am now hoping to get down to about 10 stone - my original target, and most importantly, stick with the programme and do the Route To Management phase.

So - that's me - back again! Other that diet related stuff, life has been good. Stopped working back in April, spent a bit of time in Argentina doing a TESOL course, just starting working for a bar/club doing their marketing and events promo on a part time basis. Have applied for University, hoping to study Occupational Therapy... cross everything - it was tight competition, so not holding out too much hope. Had a relationship that didn't work out, met some great new people, welcomed a couple of new babies into the family and currently looking for my Mr Right to settle down with (what's new?). Lol.

So anyway - not masses to tell you today - I'm on day two of the resurrected LL journey - going ok so far - damn HUNGRY, but will get better, just got to try not to cave before I get into ketosis.

Over and out x

So long, farewell!

2009-02-11T12:11:00.001-08:00

Just a quick explanation of my sudden quietness on here... I've given up on Lighter Life. I have no grumbles about the programme and I would recommend it to anyone that wants to lose weight and learn more about the psychology of eating. I was just struggling so much and lapsing too much, and I've made the adult decision (you'll understand if you've studied ego states) to move back to food - eat well, and exercise.

I have a personel trainer that I see four times per week, am going to be doing classes too - and am eating in a low (not 'no') carb way. Wish me luck!

I will be starting a new blog soon that will follow my new healthy lifestyle, and non-foody related stuff... I'll comment this post with the address once it's set up :)

Thanks for your support!

Anna x

Start weight: 16 stone 4 pounds (BMI: 35)
End weight on LL: 11 stone 6 pounds (BMI: 25)

WOOP WOOP!! xx

LIGHTER LIFE LITE - First Day!

2009-02-02T03:31:00.000-08:00

Ok - well, rather than making more empty promises to myself about NEVER LAPSING AGAIN, I have taken my destiny into my own sweaty palms and decided to meet my rebellious child (henceforth known as Jezabel!!) head on for a bit of give and take.

After all, what do we all do when told me absolutely can't do something, with absolutely no leeway? We rebel. So, instead, I am hoping that by treating Jezabel with an element of respect, she will learn to make some more adult decisions for herself.... so I am ALLOWING myself to lapse, and hoping that this will be enough to satisfy her.

So - how am I going to do this? I have started LIGHTER LIFE LITE.

LLL is a new programme introduced by, you guessed it - Lighter Life. It is not a VLCD (very low calorie diet), but an LCD (low calorie diet). You have more calories each day by including one meal alongside three LL foodpacks (I've been on 4 foodpacks per day until now)... so it's all quite exciting.

I only had my first meeting last night and haven't had a chance to read through my book yet to really absorb what I can and can't eat - but it looks like I'll be able to have some nice things. I might cook a nice stuffed marrow tonight - pretty old school, but yummy! Or make a nice pasta sauce and have it on brocolli... YUM! The more I write the more I am desperate to get out of here and get to tesco! I also get to have CHEESE! OH THE EXCITEMENT!!

So, anyway - I have one more stone to lose, maybe a bit more, but I'd be happy with one stone - taking me to 10 stone 6... so I have vowed to stick to this and get it done. Jezabel will just have to shut the bleep up and take the olive branch I am giving her - she gets to eat, and it will taste lovely - and she will have to deal with the fact that she can't have whatever she wants (usually not the healthiest options!). It's going to be a good life lesson, and I am so so excited that I am going to start my learning tonight :)

A xxx

(PS - Oh, and to mark this 'new' new start, I have had my hair chopped again!!)

Dear Father It Has Been Six Days Since My Last Confession

2009-01-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

Guess what this post is going to be about? ARGHHHHHHHH! Yep!

I've got seven pounds left to lose - SEVEN pounds. That's nothing!! I could do the lion's share of that in one good week - and two at the most... and yet my bloody head is taking over again. I have been thinking that having a protein rich meal in the evening isn't really going to hurt. By meal, I don't really mean meal - more like 'snack' of a packed of cooked prawns or chicken or something. I have three packs throughout the day - and then get all excited about what I can eat when I get home... why why WHY?? And the worst thing is, the food isn't making me feel sick anymore (but I haven't had any grease or wheat, so not surprising I guess).

I am not going to make another empty grand gesture (just read over my posts and it's so embarrassing... "I'm back on the wagon!" etc etc... just makes me feel all the more humiliated when I have to come back and tell the truth. I'd considered lying - but what is the point of, essentially, lying to your own diary?? What will that teach me? Big fat nothing.

So anyway - I am going to do my best to get rid of this last seven pounds with minimum collateral damage. I am aiming at full abstinance, but know - most definitely - that I am not a saint and that my mind is one hell of an active beast ('mind' I love you really, please don't leave!)... it's all about keeping my head down and doing it. Seven pounds off is my target - and only a couple below that and I'd be ten-something... that magical, pointless but magical, number.

My boyfriend is coming to stay tonight, so hopefully I won't lapse and will remain that 'strong, controlled woman' that I spoke about last week on here... he really doesn't care if I eat or not, to be honest... but that's not the point. It's not to do with 'getting slimmer' or 'proving a point' even... it's about me - I want to show myself that I can do this - respect myself for completing the challenge and not give up on yet another thing.

I can't say I will never lapse again - I know that now (took me long enough), but I AM saying that I will not stop the programme... pack my bags and go back to three meals a day (and some). I will hit my target, and I will do RTM the way they tell me to. No question. I just hope I get there sooner rather than later because my rebellious streak is causing chaos, and I feel this last half a stone could take me a month to lose, or more! Noooooo!!!!

Ta ra a bit - over and out x

Just checking in...

2009-01-08T06:24:00.000-08:00

Firstly, apologies for not coming back on Tues night/Weds and updating after weigh in - but that's for one very good reason. I didn't go.

I had lapsed again (ARGHHH!) and felt really ashamed... added to the fact my lapse had given me a really upset tummy, and I started getting anxious about leaving the house again (good lord, my lapse was SO not worth it).

Anyway - I've just rung my counsellor and come clean about my lapses and she's given me a good kick in the right direction, so I am feeling better.

Yesterday I wrote myself a letter telling myself how disappointed I was in myself (kind of the good me writing to the bad me), and that I should either 'get on with it', or get off the programme. When put like that there really is no contest. I'm not there yet - not physically happy with myself - and it is most certainly not the time to jump ship. I was considering asking about starting to introduce food early, but I don't want to not hit my goal... and for that reason as well as many others... I am going to continue with this diet.

I am drinking loads of water in it's various guises (tea, flavourings, straight, coffee, shakes) and haven't had any food cravings for the first time in days (literally, my lapses had become daily) and this time - although I know I have said it over and over - I really feel I am back on the wagon.

So - that's that... will get weighed again on Sunday, and report back with any loss that I've been lucky enough to get... although I'm really not holding out any hope - my clothes are feeling marginally tighter, so I may be looking at a pound or two gain.

Anyway - so that was before, and today is a whole new day... again (sorry I seem like a yo yo, I'll get back to the job at hand now!)

I am feeling so so happy today. It isn't really diet related, admittedly.

I was sat at my desk early, chugging down the water, the remnants of my vanilla and coffee shake in my mug beside me... trawling through emails and such like - and I heard a cry from reception. "Delivery for Anna Holdsworth?"

I leapt to my feet and set off to intercept the package (I've been shopping online, so wasn't sure what it was) and stood in reception was the lady from the local flower shop, holding a huge bouquet of flowers.

Honestly, these flowers are stunning - a combination of red roses, gerberas, black lilies (amazing!) and green bits and bobs... I nearly burst into tears! I had no idea why they'd have been sent to me... so before I could say anything I tore open the card and there, from my lovely lovely boyfriend was a card that simply said "No reason. x R"... at this point I went into gushing girlfriend mode and the florist made her escape.

I have never felt so overjoyed. It's not about the 'material' aspect of this, but purely the fact that he thought about me and chose to do something to make me feel special - particularly on a day when I was all about my new beginning (he had no idea of my recent pledge to start afresh). The last time I had a delivery at work of flowers it was from an ex-boyfriend who had sent them to me to apologise for dumping me the day before. The card read something like "I didn't mean to hurt you. Sorry."... kind of bitter sweet really...! These were MUCH better. INFINITELY so.

So - that's why I'm in a great mood... feeling I can conquer anything, and even more determined to get back on track and show him that he has chosen to be with a strong, controlled woman - and not a blubbering mess that keeps messing up and regretting everything. He is so so supportive - had offered to cook me some yummy meals when I get into Route to Management (he's a chef). I've shown him the lists of ingredients I'm allowed each week of the re-introduction, and he's really excited to be a part of the end of my journey. Bless him!

I hate to sound so girly... it really is quite unlike me. I think the diet has contributed to this 'new me' a little bit... losing weight, wearing nicer clothes, having more confidence in myself etc etc, have all helped me to feel a little less like a heffalump. I don't plod around anymore - I 'sashay', hahaha. My boyfriend is very tall, and manly (broad chest, hairy etc etc) which I LOVE! It makes me feel even MORE girly, lying in bed with him, feeling all safe and protected... and that's before the fact we get on like a house on fire; it really couldn't be more perfect.

Anyway, I'll change the subject now... I feel like someone in a bad Mills and Boon novel at the moment!

Aside from all that, I am in a good mood because I have been looking at some scary underwear photos I took at the weekend... I did them so I could compare myself at the start of the diet (first week of September) and now... and it's brilliant! Has given me a real boost. I can't believe I was ever as big as I was, it's very odd. This is the pic (gulp, sorry about the nasty pants in the befores!!):

Crikey! Scary stuff huh? Anyway - I am now really excited to see what I look like at the end of Lighter Life... I'm not there yet but I'm winning the battle and it can only get better from here on in!

Ok - I'll leave it there...

Over and out x x

Please miss, don't be mad...

2009-01-06T09:15:00.000-08:00

Just checking in... I still feel back in control, but I've got weigh in tonight, and earlier this week I was a bit naughty - and I am worried that I'm not going to be in ketosis AGAIN tonight and my LLC is going to want to wash her hands of me. Gulp. I hope not!! I really feel I am 'there' again now... saying that, I have told her this every week since around 10th December!!

If any of you are reading this and considering Lighter Life - trust me, it is brilliant... just DON'T LAPSE!! Getting back into abstinence is soooo much easier said than done. People warned me about this, but I was so fine with abstinance beforehand, I didn't think I'd struggle - well, we all know I did/am.

Anyway - less than 3 hours to go until my meeting/weigh in. I will check back later.

I am still in shock as to how on earth I managed to lose 3lbs over xmas week despite eating white bread, cheese, pork pie, xmas lunch, chocs, Macdonalds etc... I mean, WHAT?? This week has not been anywhere near that bad - just the odd piece of protein, and a 'real' soup... but I still feel I've put on, and part of me really hopes I have... I haven't had one gain since I started misbehaving and it's really played havoc with my state of mind.

Anyway - I am thrilled that there are loads of people on the minimins.com forum starting the programme this week... I've been hijacking their thread lots and lots, sucking up their enthusiasm, and have even been accepted as an Honorary January Starter!! So, I now REALLY want to do it - I'd hate to still be in abstinance when they finish the first 100 days... I have a goal to hit, and my god, I'M GOING TO HIT IT!

Until next time - over and out xx

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feeling good.... da dum.... da dum....

2009-01-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

I'm in a phenomenal mood today, so thought it was high time I wrote an upbeat post for a change. I am back to my old self and it feels fantastic. Honestly - December really knocked me for six... a comment from Claire on my last post (thank you!) suggested the link between the first emotional anniversary of my dad's death and the lapsing - I never thought they'd be connected, but there may be something in that. Who knows. I'm trying not to 'go back there' anymore... I spent far too long over thinking the whole affair and at the end of the day I'm not perfect and I made a few school girl errors... but it's in the past, and I'm looking ahead to a fantastic 2009!

So - where shall I start. Well, a big reason for the cheesy grin I am sporting today is down to my lovely boyfriend... he stayed with me last night and it was a lovely evening. I feel so safe and comfortable with him and he makes me feel really good about myself (inside and out). I just feel really blessed to be with him. Awwww - cheese!

Secondly, I gatecrashed the thread on minimins.com for all the girls and guys starting LL this week.... their excitement is contagious and they have done me a huge favour and given me new focus on why I am doing this and what I want to achieve. I may be four and a half stone down, but I feel like a bit of a newbie today - the sporadic lapses have come to an end and I am hurtling towards the finish line... no stopping me.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the ice is melting (slowly) - so all in all life is pretty fabulous! :) Oh god, listen to me - I should be wearing a floral frock and have a menagerie of woodland creatures frolicking about my person - I'm a bit gushy, sorry about that.

The only down side to how I am feeling today is HUNGER!! Because of my random indiscretions for however long, I don't think I've had the opportunity to get back into ketosis for a while, so I am feeling genuinely peckish right now and I only had my shake about an hour and a half ago. Going to have to go and make a vat of green tea I think (it's too bloody cold for water!)...

Sorry this post is lacking much substance, but I don't really have much to report.... oh.... unless you'd include the fact I've auditioned for Big Brother 2009? Yeah - I know... what the hell am I thinking?? Honestly, this is the last thing anyone would expect from me - including myself... but this weight loss and my revived attitude to everything has made me think about doing something a bit crazy, and I just thought it would be a bit of a giggle!! I have long hated everything that programme stands for - but I am determined to 'live a little' and so who knows... I'm 99.9999% sure I won't get picked - but you never know.... all very exciting!!

Until next time - over and out xx

I'm still in control! Yeah!!

2008-12-29T14:41:00.000-08:00

Just a quickie - but thought I would check in. It has been a couple of days since 'that horrible night' and I have stuck to my guns and not had even the sneakiest lapse since. I genuinely wanted to stay strong, but was aware that I'd done the whole "that's it!" thing each time, determined to get back to the programme.... so anyway - I am doing it this time... I know it has only been two days, but - frankly - my lapses had become quite regular before Christmas, and I have had opportunities to eat - so I'm feeling much more in control of the whole situation.

I just re-read my last post as well... the bit about sticking my fingers down my throat was a bit hardcore - sorry about that... it wasn't for any 'removing the food' reasons (I am absolutely not condoning it as a way out or an easy option), I was just in the midst of such agony I didn't know what else to do to bring the trapped air 'up'... it was scary, and didn't work anyway... just wanted to clear that up... I've never done it before, and won't do it again. I've learnt my lesson - stodgey fast food is the enemy!!

Night all - Anna x

Owwwwww... inc food talk and nastiness

2008-12-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Ok - I am officially done on the lapses. For the second time this week I ate 'junk' food and spent most of the night in raging agony, covered in sweat, unable to move, get comfortable etc, with trapped air on my chest, thinking I was going to die - or at least pass out. I cannot put into words how unpleasant it has been. The first time was following a sausage and chips from the chippie... I woke up in excruciating pain on Monday morning and ended up thinking I was going to end up in an ambulance... eventually got through the worst of it after the best part of an hour.... which is a LONG time with no let up, I can tell you... Once I could look at the episode objectively, I put it down to 'poisoning' by the sausage... and that was that. Very unpleasant, but in the past.

Christmas has since been an gone, and as you have read in my previous post, I didn't abstain, but I was a little more careful about what I did eat. On Boxing Day I woke up thinking that was that, I'd lapsed but I was getting back on the proverbial horse. I had a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and then set off with my mum to drive back from my sister's house a couple of hours away. When we got back I dropped mum off and then the little devil took hold again. I was hungry by this point... it had been about five hours since my last shake and I SHOULD have just gone straight home and made another... but instead I found myself driving into town "just to see" what was open so I could get something to eat. Unfortunately the answer lay in the golden arches of Macdonalds. I ordered a large fries, bacon and cheese festive burger thing, six nuggets with BBQ sauce and a 'festive pie'... all were gone within fifteen minutes of walking through the door, despite the fact I was starting to feel full/sick after a couple of bites of the burger. At that point I remember consciously deciding to continue in the hope that it gave me an upset tummy, which would end up 'ridding' me of my festive indiscretions.

I didn't feel too bad last night; as usual, within an hour of eating I had pretty much forgotten I had lapsed at all, and was back on the whole "I'm done now, I'm starting abstinance again as of right now"... which I have said to myself many MANY times in the last few weeks.

I went to bed quite late - about 2am, and by 3am I was being woken up by the now familiar gripping on my chest and goosebumps. I took the mixing bowl that now conveniently lives in my bedroom and sat on the loo willing the feelings to pass. They didn't. I got increasingly crippled by the pain, unable to sit still, stretch, turn, bend without searing pain in my chest, stomach and back. I can't begin to describe in detail how I felt - but it wasn't nice and it took me to the early hours of today to begin to feel human enough to get some sleep. I have discovered that the worst of the pain is caused by air on my chest that won't shift... and I have to concentrate on 'not' thinking about it, in order to let the tight anxiety subside (whilst in horrendous agony) and so I can have a good burp. This took over an hour last night... at one point I was on my knees, head spinning, trying to stay conscious, fingers down my throat trying to bring up whatever was causing the pain, and hopefully - in the process - the trapped air that had me in a vice like grip.

SORRY ABOUT THE GRAPHIC ACCOUNT ABOVE but I really really need to remember how bad I felt, in all it's technicolour glory so that I don't kid myself into doing something so stupid again.

The message I am telling myself over this whole chapter is:

DO NOT eat greasy junk food, fried potatoes and cheap, mass produced meat in any disguise, no matter now 'reputable' the company.
Get back onto Lighter Life, do it properly. Get to Route to Management and stick to it religiously.
Stop putting yourself in situations where you may be tempted to eat.
Always ensure you have something to eat (LL bar etc) if you are leaving the house for any length of time.
Don't have cash at home - stops temptation of ordering food for delivery.
Don't keep lapses secret - you won't learn anything if you keep kidding yourself.

Ok - once again, sorry for the tone of this post... not the most uplifting, but it has marked a turning point. I have been on packs all day today and have had ABSOLUTELY no temptation to eat... only excitement about getting back on track and to where I was back in Foundation when I was in control, bursting with confidence and not sat up most of the night thinking the world was ending!!

For anyone else on Lighter Life, or contemplating it... study this post and let me go through the hell on your behalf - this really is something you DON'T want to experience!!!!

Byee! A x

So here it is - Merry Christmas!

2008-12-26T10:12:00.000-08:00

Well - that was a giggle... not! All my good intentions went completely down the pan... I managed to avoid breakfasts on both days and have a shake - but the Christmas Day yesterday was just too tempting for words. I didn't totally scoff out - I had the lunch but no carrots, parsnips etc... just greens... and a few chocs (hmmm... ok, they weren't a good idea whichever way you look at it!!)...

Today I did better, had a shake for brekkie and lunch, but I've just eaten all sorts of crap for an early dinner before getting home. Arghhh!!

So - I am putting it all down to bad experience, and getting back on the horse tomorrow - and properly this time (deja vous, arghhh!)... I can do this... it was nice to eat, but it wasn't "AMAAAZING" and I've only got two months to do, if that... so it's a piece of cake - hehe. Or not.

Byeeeee x

Stuff to think about...

2008-12-24T03:46:00.000-08:00

This is just a quickie so I don't forget... but through all the musings of the last 24 hours, a couple of things have occured to me...
1) Maybe I am testing people by lapsing? Trying to show them that I am not as great as they all think I am... will they still like me if i'm not 'perfect'?! Etc. Hmmm...
2) Maybe I'm sabotaging myself so that I don't actually have to come out of abstinance... I have had the flutterings of panic attacks since I've been eating again, and I am so so terrified of them coming back with food.

There we go - just wanted to put these things down. I'm off to get myself ready for my visit to my sister's....

Merry Christmas! x

Back to basics...

2008-12-23T10:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the previous entry... it was a bit of a lengthy one, but I didn't want to lose the posts on the minimins forum into the 'ether'...

It is the day before Christmas Eve... a very hard time of year regardless of my diet/lapse issues, because it was this time twelve months ago that I was traipsing to and fro from Warwick Hospital to visit my dad, who died on Boxing Day 2007. Just seeing people milling about doing last minute shopping, the smell of the cold, the sparkling christmas lights are enough to bring a lump to my throat, and the sight of my dad, lying paralysed in the stroke ward shoots straight back into my mind without warning. So, needless to say -despite the fact I am doing my best not to dwell, I am not at my cheeriest.

THEN on top of all that I have this hanging nausea from all the eating and naughty behaviour I have been adopting for the last couple of weeks. I am off to see my sister tomorrow for the Christmas celebrations. I really want to see her, and I know we'll have a nice time, but a big part of me is in 'hide away' mode. All I want to do is just be left alone. I don't want to eat, but am scared that I will... and I know that putting myself into this family christmas environment isn't going to help matters. Nevermind.

So - all in all - as you can see from the posts below, I have been in a bit of a slump... but each day I feel stronger and I am determined, that in the long run I WILL be the winner in this battle. It is just a bit of a steep learning curve in the rules of combat... once I master it, I will be victorious!! Haha.

Aside from all this- you may have noticed my reference to the OH (Other Half)... well, yes - I officially have a boyfriend... and an absolutely lovely one at that :) I am over the moon... let's just hope he doesn't read this!

We've been together for about a month now, maybe a bit less... and all is going brilliantly. I won't go into too much detail because that's not what this is all about, but needless to say he makes me very happy and is another reason why I don't want all this crooked thinking to take over. He may stick by me, but frankly - if I were dating me at the moment, I'd probably be getting weak willed by the constant self-flagalation (is that a word?) and wouldn't want the grief...

Righty-0 then... this hasn't turned out to be a soul bearer... more of a muse... but I just feel a bit empty at the moment. I am off to get the house straight and get my stuff in order for going to my sister's tomorrow...

Until next time - which won't be with such a delay... I have learned that I need to keep on top of my thinking and my experiences, and what better way to document them from here...

It really does feel like I've just begun Lighter Life... it has pretty much been plain sailing to this point... NOW I understand what the struggles feel like - and my goodness, it's not easy to take a good long look in the mirror and realise that actually YOU have to do some work to make a change... there are no hiding places and it's terrifying.

Merry christmas one and all (oh joy! Gulp!) - sayonara! x

What goes up must come down...

2008-12-23T09:51:00.000-08:00

The subject of this blog kind of sums up how I feel... I've been so elated and so happy throughout this journey... aside from the odd craving, it has been as though a magic wand has been waved and I was getting slimmer by the day! Then.. BOOM. Now I understand why they call LL a rollercoaster...

I have been pretty active on the minimins.com forum talking about my various issues - and in the interest of keeping this blog up to date with my various bits and pieces (I won't neglect it so much in the future... promise!) I am now going to post a few of my key 'forum posts' below so I have a record of things to look back on in the future, should I have 'bad' times again. We'll travel through in chronological order so you can see the direction I was headed... some of it may not make sense because I may have also been responding to others in the wording... but this is just the gist, then I will write a proper 'entry' later... so here we go... my nightmare incarnate...:

16th DECEMBER 2008

Arghhh. It was going to happen eventually (well, I was hoping it wouldn't to be honest, but I'm trying not to beat myself up and just leap back on the horse)... I lapsed.

It wasn't anything major, but it was enough for me to have regrets... my OH left a dish from the chinese in my fridge and there were a few different pieces of protein in it, and i found myself wiping them free of the other bits, and munching on about 3 little pieces... my friend was round, and totally flabbergasted - I would never have done this home alone.... no idea what happened - it was literally like needing a 'fix', I couldn't stop myself.

Then we started baking. Oh good lord. Making about 50 fairy cakes for my Bond party tonight, and I was testing the mixture (literally pinhead amounts on my fingertip) and when they were cooked had about a third of a cake.... again, my friend couldn't get over it.

I hope to god my indiscretions haven't b*ggered my chances for losing this week... I gulped down loads of water after, and my pack - I was literally a woman possessed, and it was terrifying.

I hate the fact I enjoyed it so much and am so so scared about being around food again now. I am going to get my foundation book out tomorrow (I have no spare minutes today with party etc) and read through again - get my goals back into mind.

Until a second before I was such a hardcore I WILL NOT LAPSE person - and in the next breath, I had. Arghhhhh. Not a conscious decision at all - and def not adult... rebellious to the extreme Arse.

Right.

Sorry - just needed to tell 'people' - otherwise I wouldn't feel bad enough and I need some pepping.

A x

18th DECEMBER 2008

Ok, so possibly the shortest and most dramatic interlude - but I'm back!

I felt so so terrible last night - properly lost the plot and couldn't see through the mist of the tears and f**d to see that any good could have come from my indiscretions.... but here I am, feeling on top of the world - DETERMINED to see this through to goal, and all thanks to you lot and your support. I felt quite good when I woke up - well, actually, I felt rubbish (convinced I looked HUGE again, my tummy felt bigger, I felt wobbly etc, and I just wanted to die... but this in turn made me feel quite good about the fact I have the power to change that)...

Then I put on some cheesy pop and padded through to the kitchen to make my brekkie shake and - and I'm not usually a gushy emotional sort (who am I kidding) but a song came on by Beyonce called Listen (if you watched Dreamgirls/the X Factor final you'll know it) and I just burst into tears...

Now - you should definitely listen to the track - it is a stunning song whether you are 'into that sort of thing' or not... and, if you have lapsed and come through it, it may strike a chord. For me it was the things I was saying to my alter-foodie-ego... the part of me that has controlled my life for so long and I was putting my foot down. It was so empowering!!!

THEN I log on here, and frankly - I feel I could climb Everest right now.. the support from you all has been out of this world and I really really needed it. This forum is most certainly a part of my journey, and I now know it is as crucial for the bad times as well as the good - and I feel I've made some good friends on here. I hope we all get a chance to meet up one day. Slendablenda, Blonde Logic, Andy, Sweety, Catz, LS, Porgeous, Vintella, Mandy, FYM, Guy... from the bottom of my heart and all that mushy stuff... thank you

Emzski, Pete, Tange - thank you for the PMs - was going to write back individually, but everything I want to say is here in this thread, but a huge glittery genuine THANK YOU!! for caring enough.

Ok - this is turning into some sort of horrible tooth-jarringly-sweet Oscar acceptance speech, so I'll bugger off...

But do me a favour and listen to that track I mentioned - it's called Listen by Beyonce.

Anna xx

TUESDAY 23rd DECEMBER

Post #1:

Right then, by the looks of it I am not the only one that has gone a bit awol in the last few days, but I thought I would/should explain why, as unfortunately it was nothing to do with 'being sooo busy in the lead up to christmas' etc....

I had another crap week.

In fact, I can safely say I have just had the worst week of all. I ate pretty much every day - sometimes to the point of not having any foodpacks. I started obsessing about my body and took the challenge not to eat (apart from the odd nibble) and not have packs, so I would feel empty again. I knew that this behaviour was erratic and that is was doing nothing for me because:
a) I wasn't getting my nutrients and was therefore putting my body/health into a bad state... and
b) I was still eating tiny bits of the wrong food so although I was not technically 'bingeing' most of the time, I still wouldn't have been in ketosis and it was all worthless... but I carried on anyway.

Since lapsing I have felt HUGE. In fact, I have been more repulsed by my body than ever - even pre-LL... and I have found myself getting really really low and preoccupied thinking about how fat I am, how I am a hopeless case, have learned nothing etc etc. All I wanted to do was eat - there and then - and I would grab food from the nearest source... supermarket, take away, shop etc because I felt like there was no point carrying on - I'd already sabotaged myself. Not very clever really.

It is really tough to get down the right words about how I have been feeling - it's been one crooked thought after another and the first time I have really noticed how powerful and dangerous my mind is and how it has the control over me.

At one point all I wanted was to get the food out of me... I considered purging, then laxatives, then sat back and took stock (luckily!) and realised that I was going to end up in a really unhealthy spiral and I had to stop and not let it get that bad.

My poor OH has had to deal with me talking about stuff too... I try not to, but I can't help it - all of a sudden I am paranoid about my fat rolls on my belly, the way my skin folds in my waist when I bend over etc... the kinds of things I would never have worried about before...

He said he didn't want to hear about it - he would support me, but I was being irrational and I had to stop thinking the way I was and get myself back on track. He gave me a book by Marya Romsbach (??) that is a memoir about her life with various eating disorders - about her dealing with her addiction to starvation. Really shocked me that he gave it to me.

ANYWAY - I am not that bad yet - I just saw something in myself that really shocked me and so I went to see my counsellor today and told her everything about lapsing, avoiding foodpacks, feeling disgusting and fat, obsessing over tiny things etc etc and she really set my mind at rest. I'm now focused on the next seven days and determined to get back on track. I really want to make it to goal, and do route to management and learn things properly... this whole episode has really confirmed that I really have no clue how to treat food, how to react to it - and to identify hunger and emotion/crooked thinking.

A very enlightening period really.... doesn't help that it is the TOTM and I'm all over the shop

Luckily - extremely luckily - she weighed me and i've STS, so that's something... VERY glad I didn't lose again after the lapses or I'd be able to talk myself into doing it again...

Sorry for going on again- just wanted to explain... this is one hell of an up and down journey - I've had my worst downs and here's hoping I am due an 'up' now

Anna xx

---------------

Post #2:

Thank you all... I will get there - it's just a bit hard at the moment... I feel sick constantly - in fact, today I woke up with crippling stomach pain and trapped air on my chest (hard to explain, but was grim) and spent an hour on the loo, thinking I was going to pass out, throw up, have upset, collapse from the pain etc, goosebumps and sweat etc... it was the worst I can ever remember feeling. Didn't go to work, and eventually found a position in bed where I wasn't in agony and fell asleep... have just woken up - tummy pain has pretty much gone but I still feel a bit nauseous...

The worst part of all is I think I know the culprit... I lapsed again last night. ARGHH. I was so good all day, had no intention of lapsing - then went to see a friend last night. He has had a lifetime of issues with food and was a good level headed person to knock some sense into me about the lapses. All was fine and then we got onto the topic of trigger smells. I told him that toast was one of mine - the girls at work make toast every morning, and although I never really was a 'toast' person, the smell is just incredible... and he said for him it was a certain fast food/take away smell that did that, despite the fact he didn't like it to 'eat', the smell always tried to trick him into wanting it.

Shortly after I was saying my goodbyes and, realising I had no money on me (a tactic to stop me buying on a whim), I asked him if I could borrow £3... he asked why and I said I needed some cigarettes and only had a few quid in the car. The lie came SO easily... and that was that... I got in the car, drove straight there, ordered, drove home and pretty much inhaled the food before I could think about it. It was the first time I have eaten out and out 'crap'... my other lapses have been 'reasonably' balanced... but this was pure grease and my god, I knew about it this morning.

I am so tempted not to go to my sister's tomorrow for christmas... all the shops will be shut, and I will have no temptation - I'll be able to sit quietly, watch xmas tele and give myself the time to get back on the straight and narrow and into ketosis... I've never had a problem when I'm there.... all my lapses have been so close together - I've never had a chance to get back in...

I am sure that a few of you are going to start thinking bad of me, and I can't blame you. Someone falling off the wagon and being offered support and advice is one thing... doing it twice is irritating, but a cycle some go through - but repeatedly is just plain rude, and I cannot expect you all to continue supporting me when I am stood here, metaphorically like a little girl with her fingers in her ears shouting 'la-la-la-la-la!'... I mean, even the best willed of us would give in.

And I think this is the crux of it... I am testing everyone else, but in the process only really causing myself hurt and upset. This is something my counsellor suggested, and only as I write this am I sure that she hit upon something.

My OH knew me when I was bigger and nothing ever happened despite the odd 'date' and kiss... now I am slimmer, we're together... maybe I am 'testing' him, to see if he really likes me or the new slimmer figure....

With you lot - maybe I am trying to push you all to tell me the things I am telling myself - that I'm useless and I've failed... and when you don't, I just do it again.

With myself, maybe I am scared of becoming someone unknown... I can't recall being slimmer than I am now... and I am consciously self-sabotaging myself at this '12 stone exactly' level.

I need to get myself back on track - not only for my weightloss, and for the sake of making this programme worthwhile, and not just another flash in the pan attempt... but also for my mental issues... I have touched upon 'health stuff' that I have lived with over previous years... namely a condition called Panic Disorder... a heightened sense of Anxiety. It has been so bad that I would go to work, my mum's house and home - the three places I felt safe... and no where else. I would spin out of control and have raging upset stomachs if I so much as thought about going somewhere vaguely new or different... even driving scared me... I was ok, but the idea of a traffic jam or even a red light terrified me... what if I needed the loo? What if I couldn't get to a toilet? I have always suffered with IBS (part of the attraction to the RTM side of LL), and the stress of my anxiety would trigger this in a severe way leading me to live a paralysed existence for about six years. Not fun.

SO - I have found that eating has brought a lot of these fears and feelings back. Having food in my tummy means that now, technically, I 'could' have an upset tummy at any time, and without meaning to I am avoiding doing things that aren't at a 'safe' location with loos, people I know really well etc.... my OH suggested go karting with some of his friends that I've never met last week and I wanted to throw up. I don't want to end up back in this spiral... I've been fine, great in fact, all the way through LL to this point.

This has turned into another rambling post... I really should make better use of my blog and stop boring the pants off you lot...

I just want to feel in control again - I have the power, but I'm justr letting it slip through my fingers and it's driving me mad. I am waiting for my frustrations to kick my ass into gear... once again, moving the responsibility onto something/someone else.

I am glad I am identifying things... I have more of an understanding of myself - the problem is that when things happen I go numb... auto pilot... fixated.

I am sure many of you won't be around over Christmas (on here), but if any of you are, i'm hoping to be too... depending on whether my sis has internet/wireless set up at her house.

A frazzled Anna xx

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Post #3:

Hey Blonde - I think you have touched upon something there... there is the fear of 'not' failing...

Also, for as long as I can remember I have had excuses...

I got pregnant young... lost it... gained weight (it wasn't my fault, i'd "been through alot")

I had cancer issues... panicked... had treatment... gained weight (it wasn't my fault, i'd "been through alot")

Lost 3 stone through the Atkins Diet - people were proud of me, I fell off the wagon at 11.5 stone and binged on pastries... put on a 4.5 stone over the following years...

Step-dad diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease... gained weight... there was more important things to worry about (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

Step-dad died, holding my hand... gained weight... I was grieving, I didn't care (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

Did Low GI Diet... managed to lose 1.5 stone, but I kept pushing the boundaries until I fell off...

Met ex-boyfriend... gained weight - he would feed me constantly... he liked me 'bigger', I felt desired, and that was all I craved (it wasn't my fault, "Tom keeps feeding me")

Dad died, suddenly over xmas 07... gained weight... I was grieving, I didn't care (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

SUMMER 2008 - WOKE UP... I wasn't affecting anyone but ME. Making excuses and shifting blame was helping no one.

Started Lighter Life... get three quarters of the way through - everyone being so nice to me... and I start to give in...

Come on you lot... I know there must be something in my behaviour over the past 8 years... what is the link... what cycle must I break... it all seems too huge at the moment... an elephant in the room.

Anna x

______________

Ok - that brings us up to date... I'll get onto a proper 'blog entry' now...

2008-11-27T12:23:00.000-08:00

Well, milk week wasn't too bad in the end - although I know I rebelled a bit, so I don't know how it would have worked if I'd drunk the full 1.5 litres per day - but I lost a whopping SIX POUNDS last week! I was thrilled!!!

I'm now officially in Developers, which is quite cool. I don't know why - it's probably just the way my mind works - but I feel all the more motivated now I don't 'have' to be on the programme, I'm doing it because it works and because I am CHOOSING to be slim.

I am hearing of a few people that are dropping out onto other slimming plans, and that's making my all the more determined to see it through and keep going.

Of course, I am only human and I do have fleeting moments when I think about other ways that involve food- but then I look at my losses and realise that there is no way I could lose this quickly on another plan... and it's more quantity off, than quality in - at the moment.

I am still a long way off introducing food again - but I am a little bit panicked about going back into the WoF (World of Food). Ever since I left home I have struggled to manage my weight - it's been slow expansion followed by crash diet, over and over... hence joining Lighter life in the first place. I didn't want to inherit my mum's yo yo dieting religion that she has struggled with as long as I can remember - i wanted to tackle it once and for all, and I HOPE this is what I am doing - or will end up doing if I see the programme through to the bitter end. I remember mum doing citrus fruit and sliced ham, and soups, slim fast, weight watchers etc etc... in fact, I think she's tried everything at one point - and it's really started to bug me the way she doesn't stick to anything.

Far be it for me to start judging her - but you put so much energy in supporting the latest fad, trying to pep her up and help her succeed- then she just gives up and reverts to type whinging etc. I wonder if she doesn't WANT to succeed because then she won't be able to complain about it anymore- it's become one of her security blankets, and since learning alot of this in the counselling sessions, it's really starting to get on my nerves.

I feel guilty writing this, so I'll stop now - but I just hope she sticks to her decision to start LL (her decision, not mine), it will change her life and we will be so much closer for it - I am not sure I can cope with her constant negativity much longer - particularly when 90% of it is self-inflicted.

Ordered the dress for my birthday today - it's a yummy full length halter neck dress (in a SIZE 14!) by Star (Julien Macdonald), I just hope I can get into it when it arrives - they don't stock it at my local Debenhams, so I've had to order it blind. Yikes - wish me luck! I want to be Bond girl extraordinare - not a frumpy black lump - but only time will tell!!!

Ok- friend just arrived - gotta shoot - will love you and leave you.

MWAH! Anna x

Milk Week and other stories

2008-11-21T03:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I am in week thirteen, and in the world of Lighter Life that can only mean one thing.... MILK WEEK! This week we are meant to drink about one and a half litres of milk each day - by mixing all our shakes with the milk, and having the odd glass of milk/cup of milky tea etc... it's been lovely, although I have been a bit of a rebel and not stuck to it to the letter - I've only been having ONE shake with milk, and the odd cuppa. I only lost one pound last week, and I REALLY wanted to lose my last two this week to hit 3 stone in Foundation - but it was looking unlikely based on last week, and the fact that people can fall out of ketosis in milk week... we'll see what happens on Sunday.

I have been feeling pretty positive this week, although I have had a couple of funny tummys, which I can only attribute to the dairy intake (I've used normal semi-skimmed cows milk, rather than soya) and because of this, I had a bit of a panic attack on Weds evening while I was waiting in the waiting room at the vets with my cat. I used to have debilitating panic disorder that effected all facets of my life - but then, strangely, when my dad died last Boxing Day, they stopped. I've had the odd flutter, but nothing full blown - until Weds. I have always known my panics were connected to my IBS - I'd get a funny tummy, and then panic about getting to a loo, losing control etc, which would put me in a stressful mind set which would then manifest in physical symptoms of getting a bad tummy... and so it went on. So anyway - on Weds I had a couple of 'run to the loo' moments, and remembering this at the vets sent me into a panic spiral and I had to leave before Leroy had even been seen - I felt awful.

Anyway - I am going back this afternoon - so hopefully I will cope better this time. Grrr - I really thought I had come through all this panicky stuff - it is so obviously connected to my IBS, so I am really looking forward to Route to Management (the slow re-introduction to food) to see what triggers it and what doesn't - this could be the start of managing not only my weight, but my panics too... that would be incredible!!! But baby steps... can't have too high hopes...

Aww, just had a phone call from a friend - she is going to come swimming and for a spa pamper with me tomorrow - awww, can't wait! She is a single mum of two little ones and never had any time to herself, and my health spa has given me some 'friend' passes - so i'm taking her with me, she is so excited - a proper girlie day - woohoo!!

ANYWAY -

All going pretty well, aside from the odd funny tummy and panic - the other 95% of the time I have felt on top of the world emotionally, so fingers crossed it lasts!!

Will write more after I've had my weigh in on Sunday - Sunday night is also my last meeting with the Foundation group, so it's going to be all change from next week - i'll officially be in 'Developers'! Yey! I did it!!

Anna xx

Feeling a bit emotional - hugs please

2008-11-17T03:17:00.000-08:00

Well - it's my first day of milk week and I'm still a couple of pounds below my three stone target for Foundation... I have decided to maybe not have as much milk as I should do in the hope that I will still lose a bit and stay in ketosis... this is the plan - but it may not work.

Not too sure what is going on with me really... I am just feeling a bit lonely, a bit low and a bit defeatist when I think that I have another three months of abstinance before I can get onto Route to Management.

I know it is all worth it... the last three months on LL have changed my life so much for the better - but the idea that I am only just (nearly!) at the half way mark is a bit of a tough pill to swallow.

I must admit I have been looking at other options... diet chef being the main one... people can still lose a stone a month on that, but it is 'real food' and is cheaper than Lighter Life... the only things that are stopping me are:
1) Will I be reliant on Diet Chef? When it comes for cooking for myself etc, will I have learnt anything?
2) It sounds a bit mad, but getting that message from Chloe at Lighter Life Head OFfice, and talking to her last week about when I am planning to go into RTM; I really want to see things through now and maybe do a 'My Story' thing with the organiation... it is very hard to get this chance, and it may be totally out of reach - but if I give up now, I might give up the chance to get that real confidence boost that I could really do with.

So- I will stick with it. Diet Chef will always be there in the future if I discover managing my weight is not going well and need to give up control of the reigns for a while... but Lighter Life is my 'here and now' and I want to see it through to the end and not add it to my list of 'things I tried and gave up on'. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Anyway - I've done much of my ranting and blurting out emotive stuff about my boyfriend-type-person being distant and un-tactile, losing my dad etc over on the minimins forum, and I don't think I am cope with writing it all again here - but needless to say, I am not having a very nice time at the moment.. I just wish I had someone that was there for me. I spend my life making sure I keep everyone happy, but it appears the people I choose to surround myself with don't share those sentiments.

Hey ho.

Ok - I'm off for a sneaky fag (then I really must do some work! Lol).

x

Bits and stuff and things...

2008-11-12T02:39:00.000-08:00

Hello hello you lot - whoever you lot are... sorry for being such a blogaphobe and not posting for aaaaaages. Life has taken off somewhat and I've completely forgotten to keep this up to date.

Ok - what little gems can I share with you...? Well, firstly, everything with Lighter Life is going well. I had a couple of great weeks recently, bringing my current total number of pounds lost to 39. I am in week 12, so I'm pretty happy with that - only two more pounds to lose until I hit the three stone mark.

On the downside, this chilly weather is really having a knock on effect with my water intake. In fact, I haven't drunk ANYTHING for the last couple of days - aside from shakes. I know this isn't good and I am probably gearing myself towards some nasty, umm, blockages in the near future. But I am just FREEZING! Yesterday I had the blow heater on and a wooly jumper and I was still shaking and covered in goosebumps - my boss came in wearing just a little t-shirt and he said he could have passed out, it was unbearably hot - what is wrong with me??!

Since my last post I have joined a health club/spa place just down the road from my house... it is about £75 per month, so I HAVE to make sure I go regularly otherwise I am going to have made a big mistake. I started swimming quite regularly - but can't manage more than about 10 lengths (the pool isn't that big!) before the muscles in my arms etc just die. I can only put this down to lack of calories keeping me going...

Tonight I've got my 'gym induction'. I really don't want to go, but at the same time, I know I should...

I've got a guy at my house today and tomorrow fitting some new flooring, so pretty much all my belongings are clogging up my bedroom and ensuite (the only areas that aren't being done).. the thought of getting home, undoubtedly to a lot of mess and dust, and trying to get myself motivated go to the gym is looking unlikely. Plus I have nothing to wear! What do people wear to work out in?? Might have to go and raid a sports shop later.

Oh, and also fitness related - I'VE BOUGHT A BIKE! I pick it up tomorrow and am very excited! I haven't ridden a bike for about 12 years, so I am fully expecting a seriously sore arse - but it will be good for me (or so I keep telling myself). Could I have picked a worse time of year to get a bike though? I mean, seriously Anna. You tool.

Errr... what else what else...

Well, on a totally non-diet/food/fitness related tip, I have met someone. Mr Mexico is still kind of in the background, but we've decided to cool things off because we're not likely to see each other for aaages, and it's not doing either of us any good putting life on hold. Anyway - I've been spending a lot of time with a good friend of mine, and we've started sharing the odd sneaky kiss and stuff... it's been so so nice... just having someone to hang out with - I enjoy his company and hope that we can keep this going without it totally buggering our friendship. Fingers crossed! I'm not planning on marrying the guy, or getting his and hers things - it's just been so lovely getting closer to him... blush. I'm such a cheesy wotsit sometimes :) hehe.

So - back to Lighterlife. I've been finding it ok. I am really missing food at the moment - it's not craving as such - although I have had a couple of though - it is more the social side of food... I am keeping very busy, but I just want to be able to have a nice sunday roast with friends/family... or cook a nice stew of something... they are all very wintery things thinking about it - I found it so much easier before it got so cold.

Oh - and in breaking news - I am the president of a brand new Women's Institure (WI Lite) in my hometown!! I read about a group in Bramley that were doing it - and decided my town could do with a feisty young version of the WI, so got the ball rolling. The response has been incredible, and we've since been set up as an official organisation and have meetings starting in December. Very cool! Although - yawn - it is a LOT of work... keeps me out of trouble though! Plus, we're going to do a nude/pin up calendar next year, so that's even more motivation for me to get slim quick!! Hahaha.

Also VERY excited because I've booked tickets to see P!nk (I LOVE HER!), Take That (I LOVE THEM!) and the Motown Legends (JUST. SIMPLY. WOW.) next year - I have a feeling 2009 is going to be a gooooooooood one :)

Ok - I think that will do for today - my fingers are starting to go numb from all the typing... thanks for checking in - please leave a comment with you best heartwarming story, joke etc... I need something to get my cockles fired up! :) Haha.

Over and out x

I was abducted by aliens...

2008-10-24T05:02:00.000-07:00

Ok. I'm lying. I wasn't really abducted by aliens. It just sounds better than...

"I've been sh*t and have forgotten to post on my blog because I've been getting myself into a man induced tizzy and have made a few school girl errors with Lighter Life."

So - yeah. Err... I have learned a few invaluable lessons in the past few weeks. Firstly - men can be both lovely, total dicks and just plain confusing.

Also, that eating bits and bobs of pure protein does in fact kick you out of ketosis. "Cheaters don't succeed!" <- new mantra! I was so upset at my weigh in - I really thought I'd have gotten away with it - but hey ho - lesson learned and I won't be doing that again!

It all started because the week before last I was put on antibiotics and was told to eat bits of protein to help them on my tummy - at weigh in I was still in K and lost 2lbs, so last week the devil on my shoulder started nudging me, saying I could get away with it... but it was not to be.

ANYWAY- I started this week with revived vigour and am feeling great, like I am actually on track to getting to my goal. :oD

2008-10-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

This isn't going to be a long one, mainly because I am shattered, pissed off and desperate to drown, errr, soak myself in a nice bubble bath.
For the second week in a row I only lost 2lbs. Now - before you start thinking I'm whinging unnecessarily, and should look at the bigger picture and all that jazz - I know I am and I should - but I just want to vent.
I have been missing food so so much over the past few days and to get that crappy loss has only reinforced the devil on my shoulder, saying 'you should eat, Low GI or something - you'll still lose 2lbs that way!'...
Now, I know you do (supposedly) get bigger losses on LL... but I've only had one week where I've lost more than 2/3 - in week four. Bugger. I look at some people that started at a similar BMI to me etc etc, and they are around 2 and a half stone down already - and I'm still battling towards my second stone.
Grrrr. Anyway- wish me luck for a better week this week. I knew there would be down times, and here it is - my mad, bubbly self will be back next time. xx

I'm cinched!

2008-09-25T03:23:00.000-07:00

Well hello there you lot.

Just having a bit of a muse today... not really got anything to say, but am determined to keep this blog moving along at a steady pace so I have something to look back over...

I am currently wearing a CORSET!!! It is an elastic 'esbelt' that I got from Simply Yours at the start of the summer.. it looks great under the dress I am wearing, but only when I am standing (smoothes all my lumps and bumps!) but JEEEEEEESUS, I am sat down and feel like I'm in a torture device... how the hell did the victorians do it?

Today my luvvilies I am going to make a little list of things I want to do when I am a skinny beeee-atch... some of which I could probably do now, but I just don't have the confidence...

Ok - so kicking off at number one...

1) I want to strut around butt naked at night with my lights on, and for my neighbours to look in and say 'wow, she looks gooooood'... haha, ok - perhaps not... but I do want to strut around naked in front of a partner and not be permanently trying to remain 'side ways on' so he doesn't see the full, terrifying width of my arse!

2) I want to wander into a shop - ANY shop - and grab a pair of size 10 jeans off the rail and for them to fit! Failing that, I will grudgingly try on a 12 (A 12!!!) and buy them because there is a little bit more 'give' in them and they fit better around my rather spectacular waist and bottom. Oh yes.

3) I want to ride a bike into work without fellow road users coming up behind me and mistaking me for a giant on a child's bike.. I have this revolting image in my head of what I must look like from behind on a bicycle - after all, they are pretty narrow things, and I - my loves - am not.

4) I want to be able to go swimming and delicately pull myself out of the water onto the side, without the use of the steps (and some rather hardcore hoisting action).

5) I want to go out on a night out wearing something incredibly risque and inappropriate and enjoy the fact people are making comments like 'bloody hell she is brave wearing that, but I guess she has the figure for it' (!!) rather than 'what the hell is she wearing? is she dellusional?' - that boob tube and belt was a bad idea at size 22 (kidding).

6) I want to have all my hair cut off with the intention of looking more 'Rihanna' than 'John Goodman'...

7) I want to have amazing sex and not worry about my 'angles'! Needs no more description really... (I hear you breath a sigh of relief)

8) I want to be 'desired' by men that are physically attracted to me, not 'tolerated' because I am such a nice person...

9) I want people to say I have have a wonderful figure and look healthy, rather than have a beautiful face and look 'well' - grrrr... JUST SAY IT! You look like you enjoy pies! Hehe.

10) I want to pull on some skin tight lycra and go for a jog through the town centre and not worry that all eyes are on me because I am such a hideous sight!

Ok - that's it for today - will keep trying to think of more...

Ooh - and I have bought a new car!! Picking it up this afternoon - very sad about saying ba-bye to my little 2 seater though - but figure I wanted a car that I could fit my bike (that I haven't bought yet) into....

My mum found this hilarious - 'Anna, you RIDE a bike, you don't take it for drives.' News to me!

Enjoy the rest of your day you lot!!

Anna x x x

YEEEEEEEEHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!

2008-09-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

Yes yes yes yes yes!! I went for my weigh in last night and I lost SIX POUNDS in week four. YES YES YES!! I really, genuinely thought I had lost less this week - it's been my TOTM and on most days I've drank no more than a litre of water (INCLUDING my foodpacks)... but something happened and another six pounds gone! I am on such a high!! All I can think is that it is down to the bits of exercise I did over the weekend... firstly, scrubbing my steps up to my front door - which ended up a bit of a mammouth task... and washing my car. Both got me knackered, but feel good for it now - and am feeling muscles I didn't know I had!!

My LLC also measured me... I've lost 1/2 inch off my boobs, an inch off my waist and a spectacular FOUR INCHES off my bum! YEY!! At least it is going where I want it to!!

In class last night we started looking at psychological hungers... really interesting.. but it was scary to realise quite how much time I spent in 'Withdrawal'... not socialising etc... pre-LL. I've actually tried to kick start my social life a bit since I started - only going to pubs and stuff - and it's making things so much more bearable... there is only so much time I can spend sat at home on my own, in the bath, or on the internet!!

I feel like I'm cheating a bit because I haven't been around food at all!! I haven't so much as been with someone that is eating - I haven't seen a plate of food or anything - quite an achievement in avoidance for four/five weeks really..... but I just don't think I'd be able to cope. Maybe next week I will try and confront food in some way or another, just to say 'I CAN DO IT'.. but I'll have to see how I am feeling!!

Not much more to report today.... I'm troughing down the water this morning, hoping for another great loss next week - going to also start going to Curves again this week... hopefully that will keep me trim as the weight comes off :o)

Me x

Three weeks down!

2008-09-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

Had my third weigh in last night, and I've lost another 3lbs! YEY!! So that is 12lbs in total, in only 3 weeks! I was hoping to have lost more, but actually, it's going to work out around a stone in the first month, and you can't really say fairer than that!

We watched our week 3 DVD last night, and the girl being interviewed (Erica??!) looked amazing! I think she was probably heavier than me to start with, but even so - the tranformation made everyone in the class gasp! She even got into the Lighter Life magazine, and got to try on loads of wicked outfits for the photoshoot! I WANT TO BE IN THE MAGAZINE! Hehe. Maybe that should be my final goal... lol. Or not...

I really feel like I am doing this now... the first couple of weeks felt a bit like I was testing the water - trying to see how this extreme abstinance would 'sit' with me... but now the third week is over and I am into my fourth, it feels as though I am actually doing it and it is great! The weight is only going one way, and luckily it's the right way for once!!

The minimins forum has been a godsend - although I haven't been on as much as I used to... it is good to know there are people on there supporting you.

I am still useless with my water intake... I am definitely better when I am work than when I am at home... possibly because there is a water fountain at the office, and at home I only have nasty tap water (which I can't stand)... might have to buy a job lot of evian to get me through the times at home!

Slightly off topic - but I have been getting various people (mostly men) telling me that I don't need to lose weight - and one guy practically in tears at the idea that I am going to lose my trademark big boobs! Hehe. Typical.
On the other hand, I have had one forecasted marriage proposal for when I am slim (bastard) and one guy who told me various lewd things he'd like to do to me when I am a size 10!! Yes, I slapped him. What a shallow bastard! Luckily he is a friend and I know that he is like that with everyone, but SERIOUSLY! As if that could ever be a compliment - I'm still the same person!

Got quite emotional last night at the meeting when talking about the different 'ego states' we adopt... for those that aren't in the know, we each have a Parent, Adult and Child ego state - which are then split into Critical Parent, Nurturing Parent, Adult, Free Child, Adapted Child and Rebellious Child. It made me think about my dad and my step-dad, both of whom have passed away relatively recently... my dad definitely was 'Critical Parent', forever making me feel crap about my weight, and not making any secret of the fact that he thought I was lazy and ate too much... he wanted me to be slim, athletic and stuff, and even when I wasn't that big, he made me feel like a monster - leading to me stealing food late at night, feeling guilty eating in front of him, and later rebelling and eating loads just to piss him off!! On the other hand, my step-dad was the Nurturing Parent... always doing food related treats for me to show me he loved me... be it the odd cooked breakfast brought to me in bed, or the snack that would always be waiting for me when I got home from school... I loved him to pieces, but feel that maybe all this 'food means I love you' thing, has transferred into my adult life. All the mixed messages I grew up with are going to take a while to get in check, so I can move forward into the world of food at the end of Lighter Life, with a far more healthy attitude to eating.

Ok - I ought to go now... but in summary - I am quite positive about this today, and can't wait to start seeing more results! I haven't made any interim goals so far... so will do a couple now...

1) I want to lose my first stone at my week 4 weigh in!
2) By week 6 I want to have lost 10% of my body weight - that is 22lbs!
3) By week 8 I want to lose my second stone!

Better get gulping down the clear stuff!!

Anna x

Craving... craving... craving...

2008-09-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

Good grief - I can't stop thinking about food. It has become a bit of an obsessive compulsion for me... reading recipes, asking people about their food etc.. I must stop! It is NOT HELPING! Haha.

Things going ok on the diet though - I am actually falling in love with vegetable soup of all things, and the banana shake and I are great friends... I just wish I could have more of the buggers each day! Lol.

Went to a charity shop today to buy some smaller jeans - they are still a bit small actually, but I know it is only a matter of days until I can get them on! WOOP WOOP! I refuse to keep buying clothes in smaller sizes in expensive shops, until I am at goal... might have to dig out my Matalan card tonight :oD

Righty-o... quite a short post for today!

Woop woop! I cleared my first hurdle!!!

2008-09-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

Wow - what an amazing feeling. I went to a wedding on Saturday and didn't lapse! Yey!!! In all fairness I did leave the wedding and went home while they were eating their meal - but I was there during the 'tea' in the afternoon which included trays and trays of ham sandwiches, fairy cakes and cups of tea. I sailed through that.. but trying to avoid champagne during the speeches was a bit tricky... what is it about people trying to thrust a glass into your hand at every opportunity! Anyway - after feigning hardcore medication and alcoholism, they eventually left me alone. My only tough bit was when I returned later in the evening for the disco, and had an ex-next door neighbour drunkenly groping me and trying to force wedding cake into my mouth!! Hahahaha. Not my finest moment really when I told him where he could shove his fruitcake. Hey ho, lol.

So, wedding - CHECK!

I went to my second weigh in last night and I've lost another 3lbs. Whoopee! My scales at home are convinced that I have lost more weight than her's, so I am going to try and stop weighing myself at home before I go because I get really excited - and then look really miserable when she starts congratulating me on my fantastic week's weight loss. Humphf.

My second week was quite tough as far as cravings were concerned. I think about food all the bloody time!! Today my colleague brought a tuna and sweetcorn into the office and munched through it with surround sound pleasure. I almost pulled over a filing cabinet in my haste to get outside armed with my fags and a sneer. It is definitely not hunger that is getting to me - just my damn brain making my life so hard.

I think it is all stemming from the fact that I am getting bored of the foodpacks. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy them and actually look forward to certain flavours... but I would sell my soul, or someone's beloved pet (preferably the yappy four legged one from next door), for something I can really get my teeth into.

Some people have said that they feel 'released' from the bonds of food - that they see fast food (for example) and feel they no longer need it, and they are happy with the realisation that they will never have a relationship with burgers/chips/KFC ever again. THEY ARE FREE!! But... all I have found myself doing is counting down how long until I can have one. In fact, each time I see something I really really want, I just remind myself that I'll be able to have one soon - it's only five and a half months. Lol. Not the attitude I'm sure... thank God for the counselling!! I nearly did the Cambridge rather than the LighterLife diet, but know now that it would have been pointless losing the weight without some serious rewiring about why I eat.

Oooh, another high point from my last week was when I went shopping for my wedding outfit! I grabbed a size 20 dress in Debenhams... and it was too big!! YEAH!! So, I took my life in my hands, glancing left and right and snuck an 18 into my cubicle... and it was too loose around the back!!!! With a very wobbly, and slightly hyper trill, I summoned the dressing room assistant and asked her to bring me a SIZE SIXTEEN!!!!! She tutted at me, popped her chewing gum and sashayed off... ... ... Ok, ok, so the 16 was a bit optimistic... it didn't go over my rather sizeable arse... but I was still buzzing and had to secure the back of the dress with a couple of safety pins to stop slippage! Yeah!!

Ok - I will shoot off now... might give a black tea a whirl and see if I can stomach it - personally, I think it sounds revolting, but I am prepared to be proven wrong.

Hope you are all having a wonderful day!